The Struggle

Written March, 2014.


I want to preface this by recognizing my life isn't hard.  Not by a long shot or by any definition.  But, it has been a struggle recently - just a regular human struggle of figuring out the balance.  There are so many variables that play into how my day comes out - even one small change tips the balance from impossible to simple or vice versa.

One of the main reasons I want to get this down is so I can look back years from now and give myself some credit for putting in the hard work.  I also want to prevent some of that rose colored nostalgia for coloring my memory.

I hear it all the time : "Enjoy this time, it goes so fast!"  I hear it at the playground, the store, the school, from a neighbor.  Depending on the day, I either want to grab the person by the shoulders and make them promise me that this time will go quickly or totally agree.

On Tuesdays and Thursdays I work.  This is a whole other complex choice to explain another day - if it is even possible to explain.

Tuesdays and Thursdays I get 3 kids up, feed and dress them (or chase them/nag them/threaten them until they do it), and get them to 3 different place by 9am.  My class starts at 9am and many days I walk in feeling like I have run a marathon.  The class is over by 1pm and then it is the juggling of picking up kids at various locations.  Home again so Gemma can nap.

Ahhh....nap time.  Only, I usually use nap time to catch up on paying bills, spending one on one time with Amelia (she goes to kindergarten in a few short months, the time is short to play!), prepping dinner or responding to email.

After dinner it is back to work until 9pm.  John handles the activities and bedtime routine solo on these evenings.  I know I don't always talk about it, but I am so thankful for a spouse who respects my profession and me enough to handle these crazy evenings without complaint.

When I come home, the two of us usually try to spend a few minutes before John goes to bed.  Sometimes it feels like a shift change.  I get the brief William report, Amelia report and Gemma report.  Then we work through the following day's calendar requirements.  Sometimes we watch TV.

Mondays/Wednesdays/Fridays should be easier, right?

Somehow they aren't.  I still have the 3 kids to get up, dressed and fed.  William still needs to catch the bus.

In general, I have all the cleaning/laundry/errands/to do list to catch up on in the morning.  I have a schedule so everything gets done.  Mondays are laundry and bathrooms.  Wednesdays is dusting and paying bills.  Sundays is the kitchen.  At times it feels like a never ending battle that I am fighting on my own (not true, John and the kids DO help) and no one else cares about.


By 9:30 this morning I felt like I deserved a prize.  Three kids up, dressed, grooomed, fed, and big kid on the bus.  Two bathrooms were clean and I was on my second load of laundry.  Dishes were done and the kitchen is cleaned up.  I squeezed in a Target run.  We came home, ate lunch and I got lunches packed for tomorrow for everyone.  We cleaned up lunch and then played Princess Candyland.

At 2, I put Gemma down for a nap and am desperate to sit and just SIT.  Just to be.  Amelia wants more Candyland.  We need to fold the clean laundry.  The living room is a disaster, again.

So, I do the right thing.  I have Amelia help me fold a load of clothes and then we play 2 energetic rounds of Candyland.  Is that what I wanted to do?  Not really.  I'm tired and need a break.  I've been giving 110% for the last seven hours.  But, it is the right thing to do.

When Gemma naps, I am able to work out here at home.  To be honest, I don't want to.  I want to sit and eat a brownie for working so hard this morning.  I need the workout to clear my mind and ensure my pants fit.  I am SO much happier after the workout, but it is hard to buckle down for more work at this point.










After the workout, I need to squeeze in a shower before William gets off the bus.  Lately, I've been craving the couch time, so it has been a tight squeeze.  When William gets off the bus, there is a flurry of backpacks, binders, papers, books and catching up on his day which leads right into dinnertime and then after dinner activities.    I'll admit it - I'm worn down from the juggling right now.  The balancing act has been more difficult in the last few months.

This is not a particularly difficult day, just average.

So, here is the balance.  How much time is there for me?  How much time should be for my husband?  How much time is there for my children?

I know if I just hang on, there will be a shift that will help me recalibrate.  I don't need to make changes, they will come naturally.  William will be out of school for the summer, Gemma will give up her nap in the next year, Amelia will go to all day kindergarten next year and I will continue to do what needs to be done.